The pirate, the parrot, and the bath
by UnfliteredGuava
Summary: Being the rum soaked adventures of a recently freed Captain Jack Sparrow's night of shore leave in Tortuga. Warning: May be hilarious.


**A pirate, a parrot, and a bath. **

_We sail tonight for Singapore,  
take your blankets from the floor  
Wash your mouth out by the door,  
the whole town's made of iron ore  
Every witness turns to steam,  
they all become Italian dreams  
Fill your pockets up with earth,  
get yourself a dollar's worth  
Away boys, away boys, heave away_

_-_Tom Waits: _Singapore _from the album _Rain Dogs _(1985)

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a/n: I did this a sort of experimental style, hope it's not offputting.

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-Warning: This may be hilarious-

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**Chapter One (is the lonliest number): "A recently freed Jack Sparrow tries to enjoy shoreleave on Tortuga, but ends up cold, lonely and drunk ****at a local pub."**

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Mort's watering hole: cheap rum & darts ALL NIGHT

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"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORT!"

Jack Sparrow (cold loney and drunk captain of the infamous **Black Pearl**) slammed his dirty mug against splitered bar...shattering it of course. The husky dwarf tavener Mort, on the shoulders of also husky, but rather tall taverner Blackie called out to Sparrow.

"Damn it all to hell Jack, that's fourth mug tonight!"

Jack removed his forehead from the bar and turned his bleary eyes to Mort.

"ACTUALLY my lovely lovley Mort...and my best friend in the whole world...Mort...THAT...was my eigth glass"

Mort rolled his eyes.

"I meant that's the fourth one you've broken Jack"

Jack became filled with suprise-shock-horror.

"MORTY! I'VE BROKEN A GLASS! Look uh right-here Morty old buddy old pally pilly pal of shortness of pal of mine...what was I saying...MORT! Right I've broken a glass here and look her I will you uh...your awfully short aren't you Mort...but BE THAT as it may...Jack Sparrow is a man of his...I'll pay you for it Mort...cold...as opposed to hot...cold hard...as opposed to soft...cold hard GOLD...as opposed to silver...or bronze...or copper...or...iron...or aluminum...or..."

"Thats what you said about the last three"

Jack shook his head.

"Well like I...or was it you...anyway...like I said...man of my word you are...am...I am...you...another glass Morty!"

Both Blackie and Mort shook their heads in opposite directions, Mort to the right and Blackie to left. This gave off an effect that made Jack want to throw up.

"DON'T do that...please...you have NO IDEA...how very bizzare that looks"

Mort tapped Blackie's head, signaling him to lumber forward in front of Jack, who continued to stare straight ahead into Blackie's sagging chest. It took him about...12 seconds to notice this, and when he did he jumped out of his stool and tossed what was left of the mug behind him. Like tradition a cat screamed. Jack whipped around.

"Oh God...was that a cat I just hit with my glass Mort?"

"Jack we've been friends for a while now, and I'm not sure what kid of rut your in, but sense you walked through that door you've been nothing but a disturbance"

Jack looked dizzily up at Mort.

"This coming from a fellow who...hic...throws darts at the back of burly guys heads to start fights so that he can have a little entertainment?"

"That's beside the point Jack, your in a rut-"

"Yeah you already said that one Mort...shorty shorty shorty Morty...short little Mort"

"My point is Jack, I'm not giving you any more rum, my advice to you is to get a warm bed for a change...maybe some company...and a bath"

Jack smiled widly and drunkily

"I'll make you a deal Moooooooooooooooort...I'll take a bath...if you let me use your tiny, fuzzy head as sponge for backside...bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahaha"

"That's it Jack- get out"

"Ah come on Mort...at least one more...for old...old what was I going to say...times...old times sake for christ sake Mort!"

"If you don't leave now I'll have Blackie escort you out"

Blackie cracked his knuckles. Jack smiled at him.

"Is that a promise?"

"NOW JACK!"

At that, Jack "hopped to his feet" which took some doing, twirled around like a ballerina, grabbed his hat from the stool next to him and stumbled towards the door. He turned to the customers of the tavern, who where all watching him at this point. He smiled...drunkily..._again._

"I GOOD YOU ALL...BID EVENING!"

He leaned on the door handle and fell on his side on the pavement outside. He quickly "picked himself up" stumbled again, twirled again...and quite literally...bowed out.

**End of chapter one (is the lonliest number) being that of Jack's laugh filled but slightly depressing adventures in a Tortuga tavern durning shore leave. See you in chapter two. **


End file.
